Every year, the A.V. Club posts its list of the year’s worst band names, a comprehensive rundown of some seriously revolting, pathetic, hilarious, and just plain lame designations for bands from far and wide that I look forward to perusing every December. Kyle, the Associate Editor of all local content for all 10 Onion outposts, was kind enough to share his personal favorites from the list:

Top 10 Band Names I Heard for the First Time This Year

Each week, I see more than 3,000 show listings for cities across the U.S., for venues ranging from arenas to hole-in-the-wall dives. Naturally, I encounter some bad band names in the process, so I keep a running list all year of the worst, and the best of the worst. Here are my favorites for ’07.

1. Happy Mothers Day, I Can’t Read
Each year, there’s one band name that becomes an intra-office inside joke. Last year it was Fuck Start Your Face, and this year, the top honors go to Happy Mothers Day, I Can’t Read. The total non-sequitur nature of it, the missing apostrophe in “mothers,” the image it puts in my head of the worst Mother’s Day ever…it’s pure gold.

2. Coach Said Not To
A strong contender for first place. This one made me laugh for a couple days.

3. Fixed Gears Are For Jerks And Lesbians
This is a beautiful marriage of a couple of my favorite things: The Simpsons and bikes. The reference itself stems from an episode where Homer says public transportation is for “jerks and lesbians.” The bike nerds in this band changed it to reference trendy single-gear bikes, which are popular among hipster types and bike messengers.

4. Psychedelic Horseshit
Jim DeRogatis sang the praises of this band on Sound Opinions’ SXSW special. Well, sang the praises of their name; I don’t think he liked their music very much. Though it was kinda funny listening to him clumsily find euphemisms for “shit” on the air.

5. As Your Attorney
Simple, awesome.

6. Ima Fucking Gymnist
These guys pussed out this year and dropped the “fucking,” but kept Ima Gymnist. Really, if you’re gonna change your name, why not just go whole hog? Was there some bold artistic vision behind “Ima Gymnist” that had to be defended at all costs? They’re doomed to a lifetime of awkward conversations with promoters on the proper spelling of their name.

7. Butt Stomach
This is completely juvenile and stupid, but there’s a subtle genius to it nevertheless.

8. Gay Witch Abortion
Is the abortion being performed by a gay witch? Or is a gay witch being aborted? Or maybe they mean “gay” in the old sense of “happy” and “carefree,” so it’s a carefree abortion of a witch. Or a carefree abortion being performed by a witch. So many questions!

9. Steaming Wolf Penis
Another juvenile name that sounds like a bunch of seventh graders thought of it. Considering I have a seventh grader’s sense of humor, it works for me.

10. If Your Hands Were Metal That Would Mean Something
I have a whole subcategory on my list for long band names, and I think this was the longest of the year. Here’s another band that will be the bane of promoters’ existence, especially if they ever get big enough to have a marquee. And they don’t have an easy abbreviation, like Trail Of Dead. Would Mean Something? If Your Hands? Well, sometimes art ain’t easy.

—Kyle Ryan

Share This